The Annotated Caleb Porter

One of the best parts of being a Seattle Sounders fan is hating the Portland Timbers. Portland coach Caleb Porter is whining again and I love it.

Porter is the cherry on top of the mountain high hate pie because his pettiness, delusions of grandeur and awkward cocksure bravado are simply delicious. He sure had a lot to say following Sunday’s pivotal Cascadia matchup, here are some of the tastiest morsels:

They [Seattle] had nothing. I think back on the game and I can’t even remember not one time where they broke us down.

Huh? We “had nothing” even though Obafemi Martins was dancing around in the box unmolested and slammed home a cheeky goal? We “had nothing” but Mears put a beautiful ball over the top to Oba forcing Kwarasey into a to-foul-or-not-to-foul decision? Portland had more chances. Portland had better chances, but Seattle most definitely did not “have nothing.”

Their high-powered, big-budget team had trouble.

Don’t pat yourselves on the back too hard Portland. We’ve been having trouble for over two months. Hell, we had more trouble against cellar-dweller RSL last week. And sure, we have a big-budget team, but we only had 2 DPs start while you had all 3. What’s your excuse for that?

They couldn’t create much on us, and they get out of this game with three points off of a poor first goal, I think with a couple fouls, and a PK.

Okay, I know you fancy yourself the arbiter of “good soccer” and that you hate long throw-ins, yadda yadda. Maybe I can kinda see your point there, but what of Oba’s first goal was “poor”? And what are you referring to with “a couple fouls”? The most egregious non-called fouls I saw were Adi’s patented back-to-goal flops. The most obvious earned Portland the freekick to end the game, but Adi repeatedly flopped throughout the match. He’d face away from goal, back into Chad Marshall and then right as the ball arrived slip down to his butt. More often than not, his fishing found a whistle

Due to the subjectivity of the officiating in soccer in general, and MLS particularly, penalties are usually controversial. But they do happen. They count as goals and can win you games. Get over it, Caleb.

I thought the official was very poor. I’ll stick with the theme of coaches complaining this week, but the reality is I call a spade a spade, and the official was very poor today.

Let’s be real, the officiating was far worse in our US Open Cup match. In that game, the ref was an overmatched newb with authority issues but his erratic and inconsistent calls benefitted you. So let’s call a spade a spade: you are a biased, sanctimonious, delusional prick, not some paragon of straight shooting objectivity.

I thought the game was very poorly managed by the official…Just like coaches have poor games and players have poor games, I thought he had a poor game.

Coaches have bad games, huh Caleb?

 

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